Confession time.  And since I’m not Catholic, and no priest would come within 100 yards of me anyway, guess you’re stuck.  Anyhowser, one of my internet indulgences is to go to sites like—

TMZ—

there I said it.

But not for the reason you may think.  I love to read the comments.  Sure, I like looking at the photos and reading some of the ridiculous stories, but the comments are just comedy gold!  I highly recommend checking them out for a good laugh.

I’ve always identified myself as crazy, but the folks that comment on this site are fucking miles ahead of me in the crazy line.  I mean, these people will fight over these celebrities like they’re bff’s or mortal enemies.  It’s hilarious, because they really get worked up—

over some fucking celebrity that they don’t even know!!!

Anyhowser, while on one of these expeditions, I landed, and not very daintily I might add, right on top of an “Oh, my fucking–, you’ve got to be kidding me” story.

Apparently, Verne Troyer a.k.a Mini Me, has a —

no, wait for it—

SEX tape.

On the one hand I’m thinking, “Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!”

On the other hand I’m thinking, “Would that kind of curiosity kill me, I mean really, if I only took one little peek, would it kill me?”

Now I am not known to watch porn.  It’s just not my thing.  I saw it once when I was 21 and I blushed and giggled my way through the whole thing, and thought it was utterly ridiculous.  I mean, there was no plot, the filming was awful, and they definitely needed better writers and actors.  The story line was totally implausible.  D rate at best!  I just don’t understand how they ever make any money off of them.  Maybe, if Spielberg was to take an interest one day, I might try again.

Wow, I keep getting sidetracked. I know.

Anyhowser, let’s get back to Mini Me.  You might be wondering, “why the hell would you want to see that?!!”  I’m shocked that you would even have to ask that question, really I am.  Have you learned nothing at all about me yet?

C’mon.  Once you hear Mini Me and sex tape in the same sentence, your brain immediately gets bombarded with some pretty freaky thoughts and visuals.  Right?!!  Oh, don’t be acting like you don’t know what I’m talking about.

Okay.  Maybe you don’t know, but just take a minute and think about it. (look at this why you ponder :0))

I, myself, had many a question!   Like, is his dangily a mini-dangily or is it a normal size dangily?  Don’t look at me that way, I think this is a completely legitimate question.  Can he just stand up to, you know,  “go down”?  Where exactly is his head when he’s “in”?  I mean, if it’s at chest level–well, that would probably be a positive rather than a negative. Right?  I wonder if you would crush him if you were on top?  Wouldn’t he have to be standing to do “doggy-style”?  And I guess “69″ would be out.  Course, I always thought that postion was highly overrated anyway.

No offense to all the little people out there (like I’m not offending every single one of them at this very moment), but I think that I would kind of feel like I was having sex with one of my childhood dolls.

And not only that, but let’s face it, sex can get pretty fucking wild sometimes.  You’re grabbing and groping and screaming deeper, deeper–and suddenly you’d be like–”Verne?”  “Verne?”  “Where’n the hell did he go?”

Okay.  Well, maybe that was an exaggeration, but surely you must see my point.

And, once you’ve visualized, it’s really hard to wipe your brain clean and go back to how you were before you heard Mini Me and sex tape in the same sentence.

Noooooooo.  I definitely don’t want to see it.

Still–

I’m really, really, really curious.  And it is only $9.95.

Mini price for Mini Me, I guess!

Yes, I know.  You don’t have to tell me.

I am so fucking going to Hell!

Tags: comments, crazy, dvd, hell, humor, Mini Me, sex, sex questions, sex tape, sexual positions, TMZ, Verne Troyer

This entry was posted on Wednesday, September 10th, 2008 at 9:21 am and is filed under Daily Crazy. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.