****Warning Potentially Offensive Material Ahead (depending on how prudish you are)****

I’m sure that most of you ladies out there, and all of you men, will totally relate to either knowing or being one who suffers from P.E.H.S.  What is P.E.H.S. you ask?  In technical terms it is “Product Evoking Horn-dog Syndrome”.  And yes, I’m not ashamed to admit that my man surely is affected to a higher degree than most!

Now some of you may have been dealing with someone with this condition for a long time without ever even knowing that it is a genetic normality.  Men are born this way.  Through no fault of their own, their DNA includes this somewhat confusing, yet most times hilarious, gene known as the P.E.H.S. gene.  ALL men show some signs at some point in their life of being affected by their P.E.H.S. gene, however, many like my husband, were born with the most extreme of all P.E.H.S genes.

Some of you will be saying, “Angie, I don’t believe you because I’ve never heard of P.E.H.S.”  Let me assure you that this is very real and by the time I’m done with this post, you will know the words I speak are true.  Now I know that some of you are still confused by what exactly P.E.H.S is and what can be the result of someone you love suffering from P.E.H.S, so let me break it down for you.

I know that we can all agree that approximately 99.9% of the time a man is thinking, contemplating, analyzing, actually engaging in, or dreaming about fucking.  P.E.H.S thrives in this rich, sexually driven atmosphere. Sadly, not for these men but for their loved ones, P.E.H.S. has no known cure.

Now, through the years I’ve learned to deal with my man’s P.E.H.S. and most times I just try to ignore it or get through the episode as soon as possible.  Let me give you some examples of how P.E.H.S has touched my life.  I would like to say that I am bringing you this information to help you in your own suffering, but alas, there just isn’t anything that can be done.

So, completely unashamed, I now reveal my “hubby’s” most recent P.E.H.S. moments.

I think I will begin with the computer desk chair episode.  I made my purchase of a beautiful, comfortable, more modern desk chair.  As most of you know, sitting in an uncomfortable chair all day typing can be murder on the lower back and on the neck so I needed a new chair to relieve my aching body.  Of course, I wanted it to be modern and aesthetically pleasing.  Immediately upon bringing the chair home my man’s P.E.H.S. kicked in.

hubby:  Hey, you know what this could be good for? (eyebrows going up and down and mischievous grin forming that accompanies most, if not all, P.E.H.S. episodes)

me:  Isn’t it awesome.  Sit.  Isn’t it comfortable?  I love it. (totally ignoring that this is most definitely turning into a P.E.H.S moment)

hubby:  Come here.  (same look)

So, I walk over in front of him and he pulls me up so that I am now straddling him, grabs my ass, and of course, the man-thrusting begins.

hubby:  Ooohhh, this could be really good.  I’d like to fuck you in this chair — in this position.  Wouldn’t this be gooooood?  I want to get you in this chair tonight!

me: *thinking*  How the hell did he turn the purchase of a simple desk chair into a “fuck prop” so quickly?  Damn, P.E.H.S.!

So as usual I just laughed at him and called him a horn-dog, gave him a kiss, and said something like, “you know the kids could walk in at any moment” and quickly extricated myself.

****tip to the ladies (and some men)

Reminders of the kids is a very good way, and sometimes the only way, to end a P.E.H.S episode — well, unless you don’t have kids.  If you don’t have kids, sorry, I’m guessing you are just at the mercy of the P.E.H.S. episode — and you will be forced to ride it out.

Anyhowser, my hubby’s P.E.H.S. also rears it’s head every time I purchase a new sofa.  And for some reason, I’m guessing because we don’t purchase one very often, I always seem to forget that sofa’s cause extremely powerful P.E.H.S. episodes.  This purchase quickly results in my hubby going P.E.H.S. crazy.

hubby: (instantly grabbing the back of my neck and pushing me front ways over the back of the sofa so that my face is approximately six inches from the seat of the sofa, then man-thrusting commences)  Oooohhh, I’d like to take you right like this.  God, isn’t this the perfect height?  I’d like to fuck you all night long!

me: (rolling eyes and thinking, “yah, that’s exactly what I was thinking when I bought it — NOT”)

But of course I just laughed and tried to pull myself back up to a standing position which is pretty difficult when your man is thrusting you against the back of the sofa!

hubby: (still grinding away telling me how he’d like to fuck me — apparently blissfully unaware of my efforts to stand up)

me: (finally standing and laughing at him)  God, you are such a horn-dog!

hubby:  (puppy dog eyes and mischievous grin)  I can’t help it.

And you know what?  This was a very true statment.  I’m telling you it’s in their genes.

So, what brought on the latest occurance of P.E.H.S?

Well, last night my man a.k.a. “hubby” arrived home early.  As you all are aware he was to be away for two weeks, but he was able to come home in 10 days.  While he was away I made a few purchases.  I am trying to get back into shape after gaining a few *cough choke” pounds this past year.  So, I bought this thing called “The Bean” from Wally-World to aid me in getting back into shape.  It apparently makes it easier to do tummy and butt exercises and is much more comfortable than doing the same exercises on the floor — and yes, it is shaped like a bean.

I asked my hubby if he would inflate it for me.  After he inflated it, before he said anything, I knew we were going to have a full blown P.E.H.S moment.  I could already see it on his face.

So, I tried to avert his attention by showing him how to do crunches on “The Bean” –  bad mistake!  This just escalated the P.E.H.S. episode.  He was immediately on his knees and spreading my legs in record time.

hubby:  Oooohhhh, this is perfect.  I’d like to… (Oh shit, do we really have to go through this again?  We all know what the fuck he said!!!)

me:  Oh my God, you are such a horn-dog! Are you kidding?  I can’t even imagine being naked and stuck to this damn plastic thing.  Oh yah, that sounds super fun to me!!! (laughing incredulously as usual and shaking my bewildered head)

Of course, as usual, he ignored me and began his typical man-thrusting.  Except this time — me and “The Bean” went sliding out across the wood floor.

me:  Oh yah, I can picture it now! *snickering*

hubby:  (sheepishly) Well, we’ll just have to make sure we put it on the carpet.

Anyhowser, atleast the unexpected slippage of the “new fuck prop” ended this latest episode of P.E.H.S. — without anyone getting hurt.

I know many of you are thinking, “Jesus Angie, you’ve been with your man for over 20 years and you are still affected by P.E.H.S.?”  Yes.  That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you.  It’s genetic.  P.E.H.S. will follow me and my “hubby” all the way to the grave!

Which can be scary because I have a lot more purchasing to do — at least 50 years worth — I hope.  And that’s a lot of products.  Don’t forget P.E.H.S episodes are not restricted to furniture.  It can also rear it’s head at any number of grocery items.  Don’t get me started on that –  my man’s reaction to honey can only be described as a mega-P.E.H.S. episode!

So, please don’t be too hard on your man.  He truly can’t help it.  I know it can be exasperating, but just try to laugh it off and move on.

And sometimes, when the kids are away, don’t be embarassed to fulfill one of his P.E.H.S. driven fantasies.  Sometimes those horn-dogs can be VERY right!

You can help this poor delusional blogger achieve her dreams by rating this post at Humor-Blogs.com!

Tags: DNA, genetic, horn-dog, horny, humor, man thrusting, men, observational humor, P.E.H.S, Product Evoking Horn-dog Syndrome, product horniness, provocative, sex, sexual fantasies, women

This entry was posted on Thursday, September 25th, 2008 at 11:41 am and is filed under Daily Crazy. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.