Are you ready to be Snarkyfied? Well, the best place to start your journey is by visiting my About page and FAQ. You can find out how deliciously demented I truly am.
This blog is exactly what happens when they let just any nut job who can type have a blog!Stupid Is As Stupid Does!
October 16th, 2008 by angieSSFUCK! Sometimes my brain just sucks!
Seriously!
You ever have one of those brain farts that just leaves you scratching your head as to why you missed the inevitable outcome of a particular situation? You’re like, “what the fuck, I knew that was going to happen.” So, where the hell does your brain put this useful piece of information when you are embroiled in said situation? Fuck. I don’t know!
Let me explain to you how Forest-fuckin-Gump I can be.
You know how on some houses the bottom windows are below the level of the yard so they have that metal guard thingy (yes I believe that is the technical term) around the windows and then it usually has some gravel at the bottom? Well, our old house had those. I still don’t really understand the concept of those metal thingys. Seems to me they would fill up with rain water and seep into the window — but whatever.
Anyhowser, my son and I were sitting in the family room and we start hearing this strange noise. It was a really creepy scratching noise and fairly loud. I was like thinking, “shit, we must have a rat the size of an elephant to make that kind of racket.”
We, finally realized it was coming from over by the window. And me being so brave, it took me a while to get up the nerve to go over there and check it out.
I finally realized it wasn’t coming from inside, it was coming from outside.
So, I slowly pulled up the blinds.
And there, right at the window, was the ugliest fucking thing that I had ever seen in my life.
Big yellow, gnarly teeth and long Freddie Kruger like claws. *shuddering*
“What the hell is that?”
It was a — mole.
Have you ever seen one of these creepy mother fuckers up close?
Okay. I admit that this one is kind of cute, but clearly it is just a baby.
The one I was dealing with was a fucking monster. I swear!
Anyhowser, I knew I had to do something or that creepy little bugger was going to drive me nuts with his scratch, scratch, scratchity-scratch.
And yes, my first thought was to annihilate the little bastard, however my son, I believe, would have been traumatized with that amount of gore.
So, I plotted out my strategy of how to safely remove “ugly little mother fucker” without hurting him and without getting close enough for him to go all “Freddy Kruger” on my ass. PETA would have been so proud.
A lightbulb went off. Shovel. Yes. Shovel. Good.
Surely I can scoop him up on a shovel without hurting him and get him out of his metal hell to nowhere. I mean, shit, they are blind. He wouldn’t even see me coming.
I eased closer and placed the shovel right in front of him and instantly that “ugly little mother fucker” started attacking the shovel and trying to gouge it with those big yellow, gnarly teeth.
Sheesh, this would have been so much easier if I could have just taken the shovel and bashed his ugly little fucking brains in!
Why? Oh, yah. Son.
Well, finally I got that little bugger up on the shovel and was able to lightly toss him under a bush in our yard. You know, so other animals wouldn’t get him. I mean, shit, he is handicapped — certainly didn’t seem fair after saving him, not to give him a fighting chance. See, PETA should give me a medal.
Seriously, I was so proud that I was able to accomplish all of this all by myself! I couldn’t wait until hubs got home so I could brag about my bravery and out and out brilliance.
Me: Hey Hon! (tells whole entire heroic story)
Hubs: You fucking did what? You do know what moles do, right?
Me: Uh huh (recognition of my massive stupidity set in immediately)
Guess how that “ugly little mother fucker” repaid my act of kindness.
Exactly.
By the next morning, we had five fucking holes surrounded by mounds of dirt all over the front yard.
Me: (at self) Stupid Fuck!
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Tags: bashed, claws, creepy, Forest Gump, Freddie Krugar, gnarly teeth, holes, humor, Humor Bloggers, humor-blog, kindness, metal hell, mole, PETA, strange noise, stupid, ugly mother fucker
October 16th, 2008 at 5:14 pm
Well, at least you have some positive nature karma points for helping the little guy. I think we all have our Forest moments. Like when I feel sorry for my new puppy crying in his pen, and I let him out just for a little bit, just to find he’s pooped all over the living room carpet. :/
~ Kristi
October 17th, 2008 at 6:04 am
All this milk of human kindness stuff is wasted on me. Personally, I would’ve did exactly the same thing except instead of putting it under the bushes in my garden, it would go through next door’s letter box. But that’s how the fuck I roll.
October 17th, 2008 at 7:30 am
That mole looks suspiciously like Sarah Jessica Parker…but better looking.
If there’s no “Sex and the City - Part 2″ movie next year, we’ll know why.
October 17th, 2008 at 10:55 am
LOL..I so needed a good laugh today..it is pouring rain here and I was about half asleep….thank you for waking me up and getting me laughing!!!
October 17th, 2008 at 1:41 pm
You did the right thing. I once saw my grandmother beat a huge Norway rat to death with a mop. I’ve been emotionally scarred ever since. (Maybe it’s because she beat me with the mop, too. Who knows?)
October 17th, 2008 at 4:14 pm
That thing is ugly! Now you’ve given me an idea to get back at my neighbor from across the street! He’ll never see it coming. :o)
October 17th, 2008 at 8:37 pm
demoleition - The destruction which moles bring about in your garden.
/hangs head in shame.
Yes I know it was a bad joke!
October 18th, 2008 at 3:22 am
letting moles live among us wrong!! they are the fugliest most useless rodents EVAR! next time definitely go for the kill. I’ll back ya up. Or at least explain it to your son for ya!
October 18th, 2008 at 8:27 am
Yup, next time send Son on an errand and bash the little bugger into oblvivion while he’s gone. Think of it as therapy for your blood pressure.
October 18th, 2008 at 10:59 am
Angie,
You know, Kim Possible hangs with dat nekkid mole rat? Am I the onliest one who thinks those look like dicks with teeth?
Eve
October 19th, 2008 at 10:08 am
Well on one hand, you are living in the mole’s environemnt and your house is an artificial death trap evolution didnt prepare him for. Charity for the weak. Adopting it as a pet would be the best of this option, but … damn, look at that fucker.
Then again, killing or letting die dumb animals is the only way they learn, artificial selection. Irresponsible for the apex predator you are as a human. Plus, the little bastard couldn’t even recognize your gift and proceeded to destroy part of your habitat.
Next time, and there will a next time, pass the buck down the food chain: rent a hawk and toss the little guy into your yard with it. If the mole survives it’s earned the right by nature to mess your house and you’ll have a 5 million view worthy clip for Youtube.
Not realizing all this is the true source of your Gumpness
October 19th, 2008 at 3:13 pm
The game whack a mole was invented for a reason…practice.
October 19th, 2008 at 10:33 pm
So, I wasn’t sure when I started this blog if I should comment on the comments — or what?!! But shit, you fuckers (and I mean that in the most loving way) are really funny, and seriously, I can no longer stand quietly by and let you all have the last word! My new policy is to comment to all comments from this day forward.
(deep breath)
@kikolani
Karma has to be a woman cause she can be a real beotch!
@Qelqoth
Gawd I wish you lived next door — you would make life so much more interesting. Though one of us or both of us would end up dead or in jail — I’m sure of it!
@moooooog35
Dammit, you’re right! She looks like a mole — with a mole.
@Tiffiney
You are so very welcome. Remember, I will go to just about any length to make you all laugh. As long as it doesn’t involve stripping — I have issues!
@kathcom
(Maybe it’s because she beat me with the mop, too. Who knows?) LOL — You think?!! OMG — what kind of sick fuck would laugh at this declaration. Sorry, I’m completely demented and saw nothing sad about this statement until just now!
@Bee
Let me know how it works out, okay? Pics if you can get them! If your neighbors are anything like mine — they fucking deserve a mole from hell!
@Claire
hehehe — No hanging head in shame in here. We relish all jokes. Remember, as long as there is weed, there is never a bad joke!
@chat blanc
I’m going to hold you to this. As crazy as I am, I’m sure I will create numerous situations over his lifetime that will warrant explanation, such that you are offering. I’m going to put you on speed dial right now!
@Bill Libbey
Dammit, why didn’t I think of that. He’s 5, surely he’s old enough to ride the 2 miles to the store on his bike to get my fountain Pepsi’s. Sheesh, I’ve got to stop coddling him — my health demands it!
@eve
You were until you said that. Now we all do! hehehe
@Da Dominus
Jesu…DD you got some good meds there, huh? HaHaHa
Where the fuck can I rent a hawk?!! Oh, and another mole cause I really want to get “a 5 million view worthy clip for Youtube.” Without stripping of course!
@Joe
You know, my brain must work in slow motion cause I always sucked at that game. Those little fuckers move too fast.
October 20th, 2008 at 6:18 am
Let me help you out here: the correct method, once you get the little MFr on the shovel, is to gently fling it over the fence into the neighbors yard.
You’re still a hero in your son’s eyes and your lawn still looks GORGEOUS!
October 20th, 2008 at 7:07 am
@DeadRooster
I can’t believe this wasn’t my first thought. I mean, their dog is always taking a poo on my yard. What’s the difference right? A little poo — 5 gigantic holes — pretty much even if you ask me.
October 20th, 2008 at 1:27 pm
Moles have been working for years on the underground sock and pens tunnel system…THAT’S where they all go…
October 20th, 2008 at 3:10 pm
Hahahaha I can’t stand those things…Fuckers dug up my yard so bad once…well, I got rid of em..Hell with PETA.
October 20th, 2008 at 4:49 pm
@VE
Are you saying that right now they are tunneling under my yard in little underground mole barracks?
@dani
Hahaha I know your pain. From now on, PETA can kiss my knickers too!
October 21st, 2008 at 5:48 am
Karma’s all about balance. Maybe you were meant to clobber “the fucker” because he did something bad to you in a past life. And why can’t I NOW get Bill Murray outta my head!RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
October 21st, 2008 at 7:20 am
@lauren
LOL Dammit, you mean I may have had a free ticket for mole-bashing and I blew it?!!
Hahaha…now he’s in mine too. No, really, thanks lauren!