I’ve decided that I need to get a job.  I don’t WANT a job, but if I’m ever going to buy the things that I want most in the world I’m going to have to suck it up and get a job.  Yuk!

I know. I know.  You’re all like, “but Angie when you get your gays you’ll be a ridiculously fucking super famous blogger and the advertisers will be dumping money on you like rain” and I’m all like, “yah, true”.  But until then…

I’m on my own.  I’m just going to have to buckle down and work with my own blood, sweat, and tears — until I can use someone else’s!

Now, I’ve really been thinking about this — cause that’s the first thing other people seem to do when they go looking for a job so it must be the way it’s done.  And during this intense research, 15 minutes meditating in a hot bubble bath, (okay I wasn’t really meditating I was exfoliating, but you get the picture) I actually learned something about myself.  I have come to the conclusion that I’m really much more amenable than most of those whiny mother fuckers looking for jobs.  Who knew?

Anyhowser, you know how most people have this long list of criteria that the potential position must meet, like it has to pay a certain amount, and it has to have benefits, and it has to be in a certain city of a certain state, and it can’t be weekends, blah, blah, blah?

Well, not me.  I’m easy.

The job I’m looking for only has to meet two criteria cause I’m not a whiny bitch:

1.  NO physical exertion.

2.  NO mental exertion.

That’s it!  See how easy I am?

I know, right?!!  It makes you want to hire me like right now.

But you can’t, well, unless you are offering me a position in one of my recently chosen career field options.

After careful review of my above mentioned criteria, I’ve come up with only three possibilities:

1.  Food Critic

I think I would be good at this one.  I really enjoy food and I don’t mean that in a “it sustains” me kind of way.  I mean, I fucking LOVE food!  Very rarely do I find anything that I’m not willing to eat.  Yah, okay, Sauercrap — I’ll give you that one.  But, I love things like liver, and gizzards, and Rocky Mountain Oysters. (bull’s balls for those of you without my extensive food knowledge)  I’d be perfect for this career.  I mean, how hard would it be?  Go to restaurant after restaurant and get paid to EAT and tell people if you like it or not.  Sheesh, that fits my criteria 100%!  Restaurant number one: You Suck!  Restaurant number two:  Brilliant use of seasonings and spices with careful attention paid to the discerning palate..blah, blah, blah.  See?!!  A piece of cake really.

Still, there is one problem with this possibility.  Although I love food, food hates me.  I look at food and gain ten pounds.  So, unless I developed a sudden case of Anorexia, I’d be like 300 pounds within a year of accepting a postion in this field.  I think I’m going to have to pass on this one.

2.  Insomniac Redux - Female Host Version

Okay.  So this is right up my alley.  How hard could this be?  Go from city to city and meet people and party all night with them and take really cool pictures.  Sheesh, I could do this with my eyes closed!  I mean, they’d probably have to supply me with a new wardrobe, as I’ve said before, I have become somewhat low maintenance over the last ten years.  Viewers may not want to see some incredibly fucking gorgeous chic in sweat pants, a man’s t-shirt, and a her hair pulled back with a scrunchie.  At least not every episode.  They could afford that right?!!  Fuck you I heard that!  Yah, I said it…I still have scrunchies hiding in my bathroom drawer from the 80’s.  You want to make something of it?!!  Oh, sorry, where was I?  I can totally see me getting paid to party.

However, there is a slight problem with this possibility as well.  I am an extremely happy drunk.  I know. I know.  You are thinking, “but Angie, that would be a plus for this type of show” and  I would be all like “yah, true”.  But, when I say “happy drunk” I don’t mean all “I love everybody in the bar” happy drunk.  I mean, “want me to show you my tits” happy drunk.   And all though that can be really funny when single and totally off camera — when married with kids and ON camera — not so much!  So I think I may need to pass on this career field as well.  Dammit!

3.  Movie Critic

Okay.  This one is definitely the one I’m going for.  I mean, really, is there any downside to being paid to watch movies and say whether you like them or not?  Hell, I do this already and just don’t get paid for it.   I can spend hours and hours watching movies and telling everyone who will listen whether I like it or not.  Even if they don’t care!  Movie number one:  You suck!  Movie number two:  Her use of symbolism with regards to the swaying wheat, blah, blah blah.  Sheesh, how fucking hard is that?!!  And they really wouldn’t have to pay me that much.  The savings alone from having someone else pay those ridiculous fucking prices at the concession counter would be totally worth it.

So, to all of you Movie Critic employers, I am now officially available.  You can reach me here any time day or night!  And I’m not opposed to kickin’ someone’s ass to get the job.  That fucking Ebert pisses me off anyways and don’t get me started on that Gene Shalit on the Today Show.  Sheesh, handlebar moustache and bowties?!!  Who the fuck made this guy famous.  Wait.  Yah.  I want that guy to represent me too!

Oh, I just realized that you are probably wondering what is so important to me that I feel that I need to get a job now — after all this time as a world class slacker.  Well of course it could only be one thing really to get my ass out of this computer chair.

New Boobs!  Sheesh, what else?!!

Hey, while I was typing this I just had another idea.  Is there a Blog Critic career field?!!  Does anyone pay someone to go from blog to blog and say whether they like it or not?  Cause I could be really good at that.  I go from blog to blog every day anyways and just don’t get paid for it.  Blog number one:  You Suck!   Hahaha just kidding… I would never do that to another blogger.  Okay yah, you’re probably right, for the right amount of money I would, but would you blame me?!  Blog number two:  As I perused this blog, post after post, I could only come to one conclusion.  This blogger is hilarious!  His anti-social commentary is delivered with such lethal wit and satire that one could actually run the risk of laughing oneself to death.  I would personally like to direct you to one of my favorites A Handy Guide to the State of Michigan. This blogger has, rightfully, been honored as a finalist in the 2008 weblog awards.

See…I could totally rock that job!  I mean, OMG, I was like born to do this shit!  So really, if anyone is willing to pay me…I’d love to accept your Blog Critic position!  And I promise, I would totally think of you every time I played with my new boobs!

Oh, before I close I would like to add…

I, for one, believe that Diesel at Mattress Police should take the top honors as winner of the 2008 weblog awards so I plan to do my part and vote for him every day.  If you are a big fan of his and he has provided you with mucho laughs throughout the year, you should think about doing the same!  Let’s push our guy to the winner’s circle.  Woot!!

Help me get my new boobs — rate me and review me with no registration atHumor Bloggers or help move me to the front page by rating my posts - Quick & Easy Registration at Humor-Blogs. I swear it doesn’t hurt!

I absofuckingtively possilutely will NEVER go to KFC again!

Arrrrgggghhhhh….I swear to you I’m so pissed off I think I might explode.  I thought a good nights sleep would get me over this angry episode, but…nope.

Don’t get me wrong.  I, unlike a lot of people, love KFC chicken.  I still loved it even after that guy over at Pointless Banter tried to ruin it for me.   And let me tell you, it is a tough thing to read something like that and ignore it, but I did.  Why?!!

Because I love KFC chicken.

Anyhowser, this rant has nothing to do with the taste of their chicken.  I would love nothing more, right now, than to be gorging myself on some of their original recipe chicken legs or original recipe chicken strips, BUT….

NEVER AGAIN!  KFC can just kiss my lily white, though extremely beautiful, ass!!

Why you ask?!!

Okay, so maybe you didn’t ask, but you are here so I’m going to tell you anyways.

Last night we decided to go out for fast food.  Now, I’m the only one in my family that loves KFC.  So I don’t normally get to have it.  But, this night hubs was willing to drive clear across town and go through the drive thru just for me.  Then, we would just go through the McDonald’s drive thru for him and the boys.

I must tell you my mouth was literally watering by the time we pulled up there.  I could just imagine that wonderful taste and smell of chicken legs and chicken strips.  I swear I looked like Homer Simpson dreaming about a donut or Duff beer.

So, we pull up and I have my hubs order 6 chicken legs and the 9pc chicken strips.  Oh shut the fuck up…I heard that — I wasn’t planning on eating all of that by myself.  I’ve learned over the years that although my children always choose McDonalds, sooner or later they come whining to me about wanting chicken.  I always order enough for them too.

Hubs places the order and of course I’m still my usual, bubbly, happy self until….

The voice on the speaker says, “that will be $22.79 please pull around to the window”.

It only took a split second for my whirling mind to stop and my mouth spewed…

Are you FLIPPIN’ kidding me?!!!

$22.79 for 6 FLIPPIN’ chicken legs and 9 FLIPPIN’ chicken strips?!!

What?  You think I’m going to say fuck in front of my kids?

Awwww, that’s so sweet, but no I just reserve that word for adult conversations.

Where was I?

Oh, and let’s not forget that their chicken strips are not the huge chicken strips either.  Their chicken strips are probably about 3-4 inches long and 1-1 1/2 inches wide!

So, I figure they are trying to gouge me right, because I only ordered chicken legs instead of a mix of chicken so they couldn’t give me a crappy little wing and that gross back piece with the butt still attached.  I tell hubs just forget the legs and get me the strips.  So he tells the voice on the monitor to cancel the legs.

Voice:  Okay.  That will be $12.79 at the window.

Me:  Are you FLIPPIN’ kidding me?!!!

$12.79 for 9 FLIPPIN’ chicken strips?!!

People please!  I didn’t order any sides or anything to drink.  This was $12.79 for 9 little, scrawny pieces of FUCKING CHICKEN!

Does that original recipe batter include 14k gold fucking flakes or what?!!  Do you know how much fucking chicken I could buy at the store with $22.79?!!!!

Sheesh!!  I shit you not, I had hubs pull around to the window and I told “the voice”…to just cancel my order because there is no way in hell that I’m paying that kind of money for CHICKEN!!!

What?

Yes.  I do admit that I will on occasion say “hell” in front of my children!

Seriously, am I crazy?  Do people actually think that KFC is worth almost $23.00 for 6 chicken legs and 9 chicken strips and no sides and no drink and no blow job or nothin’?!!!!

Well, I think those kinds of prices are absotively possilutely fucking ridiculous and though I’m sorry that my long term relationship with KFC has to end this way….

KFC can KMA!

If you agree that KFC prices suck or you just got a good laugh at my expense — rate me and review me with no registration atHumor Bloggers or help move me to the front page by rating my posts - Quick & Easy Registration at Humor-Blogs. I swear it doesn’t hurt!

Warning: This post is full of that big, bad “f” word so if you are easily offended by a word…STOP…go back now…don’t proceed any further! Also, there is no intention on my part to insult gay people…I love gay people!

Recently, I’ve decided that I’m not content enough just being a funny blogger.  I have resolved myself to becoming a “super” funny blogger.  Yes, I even have aspirations of becoming a “famous” funny blogger.  A “ridiculously fucking super famous” funny blogger would be even better!

So, I’ve really had to sit back and analyze the situation and determine what my best course of action should be.  It’s not like I could sleep my way to the top or anything like that.

I mean, right?!!  That’s not a possibility, right?!!

Okay.  Even if it was, I wouldn’t do it.  At least I don’t think I would — unless it was a viable possibility!

It isn’t, is it?!!

Anyhowser, since that’s not an option I really have to consider alternative options that will increase the probability of me becoming the next “ridiculously fucking super famous” funny blogger.  I mean, it’s got to be pretty tough to become a “ridiculously fucking super famous” funny blogger because there are a lot of funny bloggers out there that, in the grand scheme of things, aren’t really well known and they should be.  Some even make me wet my pants and spew soda all over my monitor and keyboard.  Yet, nope, they aren’t  “ridiculously fucking super famous” funny bloggers!

So, I have become obsessed with discovering the secrets to “funny blogger fame”.  And I can tell you, it hasn’t been an easy task.  But, I think I’ve narrowed it down to one already previously verified option and one that is just an untested hunch I have.

So….

1.  Get fired from your job for blogging bad things about your boss.

Now the problem with this option  is that I don’t work for anyone.  And, since I don’t work, I can’t very well get “ridiculously fucking super famous” like that Dooce chic by getting fired.

So, on to my hunch.

2.  Get your own gays.

Now, stay with me here.  Seems to me that there are an awful lot of famous folks out there that have their own gays.  So I really think I’m on to something here.

I mean, think about it.  Cher has her own gays.  Bette Midler, yes, has her own gays.  Kathy Griffin is always talking about her gays.  And, hell, even Tori Spelling has her own fucking gays.  Are you beginning to see the pattern here?!

I’m telling you, there’s no fucking way Tori Spelling would be famous if not for having her own fucking gays!  Everyone knows that gays are magical.  They’re like having a rabbit’s foot with a four leaf clover stuck between it’s toes.  Tori Spelling is living proof of that!!

So, now I’m seeking “my very own gays”.  I want to say things like, “I just posted and my gays love it”  or “Me and my gays were just laughing about that”.  See how much I need my very own gays?!  I want my own gays to love and worship me and propel me into bloggy-stardom!

Now I know that no self-respecting gay would want me right now in my current condition.  I have become rather low maintenance throughout the last ten years.  But, seriously, they could change all of that.  Who’s better at hair, makeup, and styling than gays?!!  Surely, with their help I could become the next “Kathy Griffin of blogging” or at the very least, the next “Tori Spelling of blogging”!

Believe me, I have all the confidence in the world that having my very own gays will thrust me into the “ridiculously fucking super famous” spotlight.  So, I’m hereby declaring that my search is on for my very own gays.  Now, as I’m new at this, I don’t really know how many gays it will take to ensure my ultimate success.  To rule out any possibility of failure, I will be accepting any and all gays that are truly fabulous and totally dedicated to the success of my mission.

Oh, almost forgot. I’m sure all of you fabulous gays out there are wondering what you get out of all this spiffy-ing Angie up and making her a “ridiculously fucking super famous” funny blogger? Well sadly, not much. Remember, I don’t work so I’m totally broke. But, you will get a totally devoted, gay worshiping, funny blogger who will never forget who helped her become a “ridiculously fucking super famous” blogger!

So, if my devotion and worship is enough for you to want to join my “Gay Posse”, please shoot me an email and tell me how your fabulousness will help ensure my mission of becoming a “ridiculously fucking super famous” funny blogger and make Cup Of Snarky a famous blog known world-wide!
(you may include a photo to prove how fabulous you are — no nudity please — well, unless you have something incredible that you think I’ve never seen before)

Luv,
AngieSS

If you love Gays too or you just want to help make me a “ridiculously fucking super famous” humor blogger — help move me to the front page by rating my posts - Quick & Easy Registration at Humor-Blogs. I swear it doesn’t hurt!

Want more humor?  Check me and my blogging buddies out at Humor Bloggers!

So…

You all know that I just did a post on why nothing is getting done around here.

Guess what?!!

I got lots done this weekend.  Fate, apparently, took it upon itself to make sure I had more time.  And, knowing that I have an Internet addiction –

It knew that it would have to take drastic measures!

My DSL was out the entire weekend.

At first, I was all like, “OMG WTF AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITHOUT INTERNET?!!”  I started to break out in a sweat, my breathing became erratic, I was wringing my hands and pacing in front of the computer, and then I went into a full blown panic.

This can’t be happening.  How the hell am I supposed to check my email?  How the hell do I let my “online” friends know I’m still alive?  How the hell do I say Merry Christmas to my readers and let them know I will be back after the holidays?  How the hell do I read my favorite blogs and let them know I haven’t abandonded them?  How the hell do I twitter?…..

I mean, I can’t get this fixed until Monday.  What am I supposed to do until then?!!!

Guess what?

I got almost everything done that I’ve needed to do!  I got all the presents.  They are all wrapped and under the tree.  I’m ready for oldest son’s class party tomorrow.  The house is spotless.  I have one load of laundry to do.  I have all the groceries needed for Christmas dinner and for the entire time the folks are here.  The downstairs bathroom remodel is complete.

And, we bought new living room furniture too!

You would be totally amazed at what all you can get done when you can’t get on the computer!!!

I was suddenly thinking, “Wow.  Maybe I will just leave it off until after the holidays.”

Then, of course, I woke up this morning, dropped the kids at school, came home and immediately called my Internet Provider to come fix it as quick as possible.

Sheesh.  What’d you expect?!!

I can’t just quit cold turkey.  I’m a fucking computer addict!!!

Anyhowser, I do want to take this opportunity and wish you all a Very Happy Holiday Season! I thank you all for coming here and reading the craziness that is my life that I spew out all over this blog.  I hope you all get everything your little hearts desire.  And, I wish for you to be loved and to love!  Take care and be safe this holiday season.

And for you fellow bloggers, I wish that you will have lots and lots to blog about!

Merry Christmas & Happy New Year

AngieSS

C’mon.  Does anyone really have a problem with that idea?

I’m just sitting here pressured and stressed out, because I still have so much to do.  There are still presents to buy.  And school parties to make cookies for — and chaperone.  There is still presents to wrap.  There is still laundry, and cleaning, (folks will be here so it has to be spotless — shit) and shopping for Christmas dinner.  Christ, I still don’t have all my Christmas cards sent.

I’m absolutely brain dead and totally frazzled and I’m sitting here completely pissed off at whomever’s fault this is.  I mean, who the fuck is dropping the ball here?!!

Then I sit back, take a breath, and realize — it’s ME!

I’m the stay at home Mom.  What the fuck is the problem?  I should have plenty of time to get everything done!!

Then, WHY THE HELL IS IT NOT ALL GETTING DONE?!!!

I’ll tell you why.  It’s this DAMN computer.  That’s why!

I find myself only able to pull away from its grasp only momentarily.  And then, I’m drawn back like a moth to a flame.  I know what the end result will be.  I do.  Yet I can’t seem to loosen its deadly grasp on me.

Okay.  So maybe that is a slight exaggeration, but I’m telling you I’m going to be totally merged with this keyboard and monitor some day.  When I do die, they will have to bury my computer with me!

The buzzer just went off on the dryer.  FUCK!!!  Does it never end?!!

Bee over at Bee’s Musings had a great idea this year.

Wow.

I just said that like that never happens to her.

I really didn’t mean for it to come out that way.

If you know her at all, you know first hand that she is totally full of shit wonderful ideas most of the time.

I, for one, couldn’t wait to participate.

Seriously, her idea was to start the first annual “Secret Santa Can Suck It! Gift Swap”.  So, immediately, many of us said, “thank God, that will give me something to post about” “cool I’m in…that sounds like so much fun.”

I, like everyone else that entered, have been waiting with bated breath to see who I would be gifting in this the fist glorious year of the swap.

Woohoo!!!  I got Chat Blanc from over at Wit’s Bitch.  I am so totally excited.  I know that I can fucking rock her world with the best Christmas gifts she has ever seen!

Oh, I almost forgot.

I know the rules didn’t make this mandatory, but I really think that I would be an absolutely poor excuse for a human being if I didn’t pick up her beautiful cat, Maxx, a little sumpthin’ sumpthin’ while I’m out shopping for Chat.

So, don’t go away I will be back shortly to let you know how many asses I had to kick at the mall how well my shopping excursion went.

BACK!

Oooooo, I’m so excited at all the gifts I purchased!!!

Chat, if it’s okay with you I’m going to start with Maxx’s first — just so’s he doesn’t get his feelings hurt.

I knew you would understand.

Maxx dear, I got you an amazing gift.  First, I got you what every male needs….

Your very own glow in the dark pussy.

What?!! You look a little shocked.

Dude, just think about it….you will never get “lost” in the dark again if you get my drift.

You love it?!! It’s one of the best fucking gifts ever?!!

I know, right? Sometimes I wish I had a glow in the dark pussy too!

What?

No. Not yet Chat. I swear I’ll be right with you Sweetie.

Where was I? Oh yah, and Maxx, just so you are super comfortable with your glowing pussy…

I found this amazing Hello Kitty bed just for you. And let me tell you — it cost a bloody fucking fortune!!

What? You look a little worried.

Seriously. I swear. It is not a “girls” bed. It’s totally masculine. And you can bet that glowing pussy is going to love ya for it!

You love it?!! It’s one of the best fucking gifts ever?!!

I know, right? If I had a bed like that and a glowing pussy — I’d be purring too.

Seriously Maxx, I had so much fun shopping for you. Oh, speaking of shopping…

I don’t normally splurge on myself, but I thought these shoes were to die for and couldn’t really think of anyone on my shopping list that loves shoes, so…

I thought “what the hell” and decided to get them for myself!

I know, right? They were super expensive, but really how often does a girl get to splurge?!!

What Chat?

Oh yah. Oops, I almost forgot. I’m sorry Sweetie.

You are not going to fucking believe what I got you!!! I’m telling you I went all out.

Take a look at this amazing closet full of the most amazing shoes you’ve ever seen…

Do you see it?

You love it?!! It’s one of the best fucking gifts ever?!!

I know, right?

You are so totally worth it Chat! Wow. I knew you would be excited, I just didn’t realize how much.

What?! You can’t wait to sit in your new princess closet and try on all your new shoes?!!

Oh no. Oops, my bad. I didn’t get you a closet fit for a princess and all those shoes Sweetie…

I thought you understood….

I put your name on that really cool star right there in Mariah Carey’s shoe closet. I’m telling you. I spent so much money on Maxx and me that I really had to get crafty on yours, but I totally pulled it off, right?

I mean it was a real bitch sneaking past all of those security guards to write “Chat wuz here” on that gold star, but for you Chat….yup, I’d go to any lengths to make sure you have a great Christmas.

Chat?!! Where ya goin’?

Chat?!! Can I at least get a picture before you go?!!

Hmmmm…oh well, she must have been totally overwhelmed with my generosity.

I have that affect sometimes.

At least I got a great Christmas pic of you Maxx…

Be sure to drop by Bee’s Musings to see links to other Secret Santa Can Suck It! posts. Now, I’m off to see who got me a little sumpthin’ sumpthin’ for Christmas!!

p.s.  luv ya Chat!!!!

***Update  Don’t forget to check out my gifts from my Secret Suck It Santa over at Angry Seafood.  He’s so thoughtful — thanks so much Sweetie!!!

Okay.  So by now you should definitely know at least two things about me.  I hate memes and I hate following rules.  And I’m a hard ass bitch.  Okay… at least three things.  And I say fuck — regularly.  Okay…at least four things.

Anyhowser, I just couldn’t say no to either one of these bloggers.  They tagged and bagged me — Dammit!!!

One is my really good human blogging buddy Don over at Beyond Left Field and the other is my too cute canine blogging buddy Nooter over at Nooter The Dog.

The first one to tag and bag me was Don.

Hmmm…7 random, weird facts?!!

1. When I was all of five years old, I was growing up in an uber-cool trailer park (go figure) in Southeast Texas with my family. My best friend was another five year old named Damon. Now, folks in the trailer park called him “Damon the Demon” so that just goes to show you how good I was, even then, at choosing friends. One day Damon and I found two cans of the ugliest blue paint that you have ever seen tucked under one of the trailers. Of course at the time we thought it was the prettiest shade of blue we had ever seen. We decided it was up to us to beautify this ugly, yet uber-cool, trailer park. We painted blue stripes and splats all over as many trailers, sheds, and cars as we, at our tender age, could get to — which was apparently a LOT! Shockingly, no one in the park was all that impressed with our creativity. I know, right? I mean, sheesh, we worked our asses off. Luckily, no one wanted to see a scrawny, little, big brown-eyed five year old get her ass beat. I know this because my Dad went door to door dragging me all the way and offering to beat said ass at every stop!!!

2. One summer, when I was 14, I met a girl at the pool. We shared the exact same birthday, year included, our first and last name started with the same letter, and we had both chipped one of our front teeth in the exact same place at the exact same age!

3. I almost drowned twice in my life. Once when I was 3 and I was riding my tricycle around my Uncle’s pool — all by myself. Yes, my folks were quite the overprotective type weren’t they?!! I hit a dip in the concrete and it tipped me over right into the deep end. Luckily, my Aunt had gotten up to get a glass of water at that very moment and saw me through the window struggling to get my face above the surface. My Dad ran out, reached out and yanked me out of the water and, apparently, the top of my head was not even wet. He really loves telling me that part. Though, I’m not quite sure how the top of my head not being wet ended up being such a big thing. I mean, my face was under water so I’m pretty sure I still would have drown if not seen! The other time was in a fairly deep stream we used to go swim at. I was 4 and still could not swim well enough to save myself in deep water. I apparently was bouncing around on my tippy-toes and went right off of a drop off. Luckily, my other Uncle was able to swim out and get me. I still remember him swooping up beneath me and pushing me to the surface. To this day I still have no fear of swimming. I am an avid swimmer and I absolutely love the water!

4. I have never wrecked a car, but I have had three of my cars wrecked four times. Two of those times by the same friend. You’d think I wouldn’t have aloud her to drive my car after the first wreck, but I’m a slow learner when it comes to friends.

5. When I was 14 we moved into a house that I swear was haunted. I had a walk-in closet that my Dad built at one end of my room that was basically centered between my room, my sister’s room, the bathroom, and my brother’s room. There was absolutely no way to attribute what happened to a “draft”. Believe me, I tried! One day I was home alone and as usual I changed, threw my dirty clothes in the closet, and shut the door. Now if you were staring at my closet door, behind you would be my sister’s door, to your left would be the bathroom door, and to your right would be saloon doors that led to the rest of my room. I guess my Dad wanted to break up my room so I wasn’t having to stare at doors all day. Who knows? Anyhowser, I threw my clothes in and walked back through the saloon doors to my vanity and the door slowly opened. So, of course, I just thought that I didn’t get it closed good. I went back and pushed the door closed again until I heard and felt it latch. I then headed back for the vanity. The door came open again. I tried this time to pass it off as a draft in the house. I went to close it again. I closed it a little harder and pulled on it to make sure it was closed — it was. So I went back to the…and it opened again…harder. The strange thing was that I never heard the knob turning or the latch when this would occur. Well, by this time I was scared shitless so I just opened the saloon doors, stuck my foot through and kicked the door shut — hard. It closed and did not bounce back at me. I released the saloon doors and had just started walking away when the closet opened so forcefully that it slammed against the saloon doors. I ran out of the house. My Dad asked later why I didn’t look inside the closet? Wtf?!! Oh I don’t know, because I didn’t want to see red eyes glowing back at me?!!! He just laughed, but he never could come up with a good explanation.

6. When I was about 25, I had a serious infection that left me in the hospital for a week. The medicine that they gave me was apparently “toxic to the ear”, though they didn’t bother to tell me that. I only found out later when I went to an ear specialist about the constant ringing, that never stops, in both of my ears. The first month that it started I, literally, thought that I was going to go insane, but eventually I got used to it. There are certain pitches of sound that are excruciating to me, sometimes I can’t hear someone speak if they are standing in certain areas behind me, and sometimes I can’t tell exactly what direction a sound is coming from. My friends and family find some of the things that happen as a result of my “tragic” hearing loss as quite humorous, however, I can’t think of any that I think are even a little bit fucking funny — right now anyway!

7. When my oldest son was about two weeks old, my folks had come in to help us out because I had had a C-section. One morning my mother was downstairs doing some laundry and I was upstairs in the living room nursing my son. I glanced over at the wall to my left and there was a dark image on it. I called my Mother to come upstairs because, of course, when things like this happen I always assume that I’m going crazy. She came just far enough up the stairs to lean over the railing and asked me what I needed. I asked her to look at the wall over there and tell me what she saw. Her eyes got really big and she said, “Oh my God it’s the image of a child”. I was like thank God I’m not crazy. That image lasted every day from 10am to 2pm for two weeks. It would start as a perfect image of a child of about 1-3 years old and slowly as the time passed it would turn into a skull and then it would vanish. I have pictures, but sadly can not find them right now. As soon as I locate the disk…I will post them for you. Creepy shit! Strange as it was, I never felt scared. And you know what a big fucking chicken I am.

So, there you go Don. I hope those 7 facts was worth the Hell you will eventually pay for tagging me! Sorry that I went on, and on, and on, but you know some stories just need to be told in their entirety.

I won’t be tagging anyone else — so there!!! Bwahahahaha.

Though, if anyone would like to participate in this meme feel free to grab the image and follow the rules — or not.

Okay. So on to Nooter who has been waiting so patiently. “Good boy!”

Apparently, Nooter has tagged and bagged me with the “Smelly Meme”. I am supposed to name some smells I love and hate. That shouldn’t be too hard, but I think Nooter will be upset with me and there will be no tail waggin’ for me this week!

Smells I hate:

1. wet dog
If my dog is wet he has to stay outside.  That smell is just awful!

2. dog shit
Ewwww gross!  I hate stepping in dog shit.  It always gets trapped in the little grooves of your shoes and you can’t do anything short of hosing them down.  I can’t imagine Nooter how you have your nose right against a pile of poo.

3. dog breath
I hate when my lovable mutt decides to get right in my face and breathe on me.  That hot, smelly, butt breath just about knocks me over.  (seriously, Nooter…I’m not trying to make you cry…please forgive me)

4. skunk
I swear there is nothing worse than to be driving down the road and all the sudden you are hit with that dead skunk stench.  It like hovers inside your car for like the next five miles.  Totally nasty!

5. vomit
If I have to smell vomit I will literally throw up too — instantly!  Sorry, but if you’re sick there is no way in Hell I’m holdin’ your hair back for you.

Smells I love:

1. Hazelnut candles
Yum! I love the smell of these candles. I burn them all the time!

2. baby powder
My kids are way past the baby powder stage and I so miss the smell. It has to be in small doses though. My littlest once covered himself and his bedroom with an entire bottle. Just about suffocated us both!

3. Lilacs
Oh, these are so fragrant. My all time favorite flowery smell. Only the real thing though…I don’t want it in my bubble bath!

4. cinnamon
I love cinnamon everything! Candy, gum, air-freshener, etc.

5. Ciara perfume
One of my all time favorite perfumes. Mmmmmm…and it’s cheap too!

Again, I’m truly sorry about my “hate smell list” Nooter…I couldn’t help it! Next time — maybe we should just play fetch.

And you already know that I’m so not going to tag anyone. C’mon. You knew, right?!!

A winner has been chosen! I want to thank all of you who played along and gave hubs and me some big laughs.  But, alas, there can only be one winner.

Now this was really close.  Seems that there is no shortage on stupid people being caught on camera.

Hubs said he actually thought three of the entries were good enough for a win — thinkinfyou, Bee’s, and Chelle B.’s, but I totally had to be a hard ass and said, “Dude, you can only pick one cause my sidebar ain’t big enough for three!”

So, he decided to give one of them what he calls extra “SMARTASS” points which in turn pushed this one over the line for a smooth win.

So without further ado, I give you the winning photo…

“This is exactly why they shouldn’t let stupid people breed!”

He also wanted me to let this weeks winner Chelle B. of The Offended Blogger know that the intended correlation between this photo and recent events was not lost on him and he may or may not be scheduling a “hunting” trip to Idaho in the very near future!!

Congrats and throwing tons of confetti for Chelle B. of The Offended Blogger !!!

I am working now on your badge and it will be up within the hour.  You have also won the coveted whopping 300EC credits and if you are so inclined to email this crazy bitch your home address (I will try to keep it hidden from hubs)….

CANDY is in your near future!!!

So again thank you for all of the entries to my  “Photo This Caption” contest.  Don’t give up…you could be next week’s winner and win lots of amazing, valuable, better than a kick in the pants prizes!

Yea!!!!

It’s finally Friday.  And you know what that means.

Friday “Photo This Caption” Contest.  Remember the twist — you have to hunt down the photo that you think is most fitting.

Don’t forget to leave me a comment below in the comment section letting me know that you’ve emailed me the link to your photo entry.

(angie [at] cupofsnarky [dot] com)

Here is this weeks caption:

“This is exactly why they shouldn’t let stupid people breed.”

I will choose the winner from all of the offered entries and I will email the winner by Sunday night.  Monday, I will then post the pic with my caption and then place the  winner’s blog link, with a really spiffy badge of honor(not pictured below), prominently in my sidebar for a whole entire week.  Woot!!

And said winner will also be given a badge to be displayed proudly on their site.(pictured below)  Yes, I said proudly — smart ass!

***For future winner:  I have created a badge of honor and it is completely up to you whether you grab it or not. If you don’t — the fires of hell will rain down on your twisted, fucking soul…hahaha just kidding again. I do realize that some bloggers don’t like to use badges in their sidebars so I am okay with that. It is totally your choice…

I won’t cry much!

Anyhowser, I would give you a whole heap of Entrecard credits, but I really don’t have any to speak of.  Would 300 cred’s be enough — along with the super duper linky luv?!!!

Oh okay, fuck.  If you are willing to give a crazy chic like me your home address, I will send you a bag of candy like that crotchety old dude did!

What the hell are you still here for?!!  Go bring me a photo — don’t leave me hangin’.  You know what a snarky bitch I can be.

Oh, and please submit photo entries by Sunday at noon. (central time)

Winner’s Badge:

And yes, to those of you here on the last caption contest you are experiencing deja vu. I did use almost the entire script from said post. C’mon I’m really lazy on Fridays. Oh, and I will be using the same scientific method to determine the winner.

Good luck.

Seriously, I don’t know whether it has anything to do with the fact that my folks are coming here for Christmas, but I seem to be in an extremely heightened state of bitchiness.  So of course the only way that I can purge myself of these awful thoughts is to spew them here. Sorry!

I’m sick and tired of infomercials acting like we are all just a bunch of stupid, inept human beings that can’t even manage to pour spaghetti noodles from a pot into a colundar without spilling it all over the counter, down in the sink, and on the floor.    I mean, seriously, can’t they just say, “look at this kick ass invention it will give you one less pan to wash”.  There you go — great — I’ll buy that.  But I will be damned if I buy a product, no matter how cool it is, from someone who treats me like an idiot.  Seriously, you can just keep your fucking $5.00 robe that you claim is an $80. value!!   Oh, and while we are on this subject. Stop telling me your damn product is so durable it will last a lifetime and then offering me two along with a lifetime replacement deal.  Hell,  the first one is good enough it’s going to last me a lifetime, is it not?

I’m sick and tired of other bloggers who don’t use the “f” word bitching and writing posts about those of us who do.  I mean, really, you must miss out on a lot of comedians, and movies, and HBO if you are so fucking sensitive to the word “fuck”.   If you don’t like it, then by all means, don’t use it, but quit trying to fucking piss in my Cheerios!  I don’t use the word to try to “enhance” my humor or to present a certain “attitude”…this is me.  It’s the way I talk and I’m not going to stop just because you think it’s unacceptable.  Sheesh, you bloggers remind me of those people in every day life that have to put others down to make themselves look and feel better.  So, to all of you bloggers out there that participate in this kind of behavior — knock it the FUCK off!!! There are plenty of readers out there. I don’t think we have to try to pick each other off — just yet.

I’m sick and tired of bullshit videos on Youtube. They should monitor that site better. I get so tired of typing in searches for things like “extremely funny cats” and winding up with some lame ass video of someone’s cat riding around in circles on a Goddamn Roomba. I click and I am waiting to laugh my ass off, but the cat just goes around, and around, and around….NOTHING! Four whole minutes of this shit. Don’t use funny in your tags unless it IS fucking funny. And maybe try and research the best way to get your video ready for Youtube. It’s really quite annoying to click on a vid and it takes forever to load, or it stops and starts incessantly, or worse yet, you can’t even make it out because it’s all blurry. I mean, seriously, is it too much to ask for the video to actually be worth watching?!! C’mon people — have some dignity.

And finally, I’m sick and tired of hearing myself bitch. Whew! Glad that’s over — for now!